Tea--rs.

MOVED.

2007-05-03T13:53:00.000+08:00

CUSoon.

2007-04-28T20:08:00.000+08:00

Tinatamad na kong mag-blog.

Ay, understatement of the year. Hindi na bago yan.

Kaya ayan. Hay, paano ba 'to?

Stop muna ako sa blogging. Ayun. Wala na kasing idea. Wala na rin naming kwenta yung mga posts ko. Crap. Ayan, Tagalog na nga ang ginamit ko kasi tinatamad na rin akong mag-English.

Pero babalik din naman ako. Siguro bago mag-June 18. June 18 kasi ang pasukan sa UPLB. Ayun, freshman (woman) ako dun, BA Communication Arts. Kaya isang malaking shout-out sa mga freshman (at woman na rin) diyan sa UPLB, parang awa niyo naman, pansinin niyo ako dun. Wala kaya akong kakilala dun ni isa.

Hay. Kahit naman paano, may kilala na ko (sa Internet nga lang). Si Erika, BA Communication Arts din, at si Moses, na naligaw pero magsi-shift pa rin daw sa ComArts. Kung sino pang nag-aaral diyan sa UPLB, eto o, tingnan niyo ang pangit kong picture (Putsa, kapal ng mukha ko!), baka makita niyo ko dun, pansinin niyo ako, ha? Tsaka, mga pare at mare, mataba ako. Pag hindi mo pa ako nakita, good luck naman.

Gaya nga ng sabi ko sa taas, babalik ako. Hindi ko naman talaga iiwanan ang mundong maraming naituro sa akin, at maraming naipakilala sa aking mga tao. Ayun. Saka baka magpalit na rin ako ng bloghost. Baka sa Wordpress na ako. Or kahit saan. Bahala na si Batman.

Ayan. Syet. Kamusta naman yun at ginaya ko ang ultimate idol at friend ko sa blogging world na si Xienah maganda (DAW).

So, mahigit isang buwan din yun. Hanep na hibernation ito. Sobrang tagal. Ano kayang gagawin ko?

Mag-chat, malamang. Add mo nga pala ako sa Y!M: althea_kish. Sira ang Y!M ko, kaya malamang hindi ko kayo ma-add ng maayos. Basta pag online ako, kausapin mo na lang ako kung type mo. Hindi naman kita tatanggihang kausapin. Saka, ewan, bahala na rin ulit si Batman. Basta wag ka mahihiyang kausapin ako. Ang boring naman kasi kung palaging yung mga tao na lang sa list kong hindi na nadadagdagan ang kausap ko.

Tsaka, Gunbound na rin. Hay. Juiceko. Chick pa lang kasi ako, noh. Gusto ko namang tumaas-taas ang level ko. Add mo na rin ako sa buddies mo: altheakish. Okay lang kahit hamunin mo ko, malamang naman talo rin ako sa'yo. Dakilang engot din naman kasi ako sa Gunbound, eh. Type ko lang talaga maglaro kahit laging talo.

Bloghop pa! Ahihi. Kahit naman tinatamad akong mag-blog, eh, nagbabasa pa rin naman ako. Marami akong sinusundang blog. Baka mag-comment ako pag sinipag, pero under na sa tunay kong pangalan: Yna (Yna Altea Antipala po, nice meeting you.).

Ano pa bang nakalimutan ko? Ah, wala na ba?

Ayun. So, see you soon na lang. Baka mapadpad ako sa page mo. Ahihi. Bahala na talaga si Batman.

Invitation.

2007-04-26T00:11:00.000+08:00

My first love was my first year English teacher.

And it took me two years to get over him completely. So to speak, it was when I was in my junior year that I was able to say completely and irrevocably that I had gotten over him.

The fact that he was the first one who made me feel the absolute pain of being rejected (It was inevitable anyway. Haha.) contributed to my being irrational at a certain point of time. I actually told him that I do fancy him, and he said he understood.

But yech, a young mind's an ignorant, stubborn mentality so things led to another.

Until all of the dignity that I was supposed to keep went down the drain.

I have a friend who also happened to have had been infatuated with him, the same way that I am. One time, she told me something that was supposed to be of great importance: he accepted her Friendster invite.

She was ecstatic. She was jumping with joy. She was telling everyone who knew her story.

I thought of it otherwise. It was not so important.

Until I got my own invite rejected for more than what my two hands can count.

Honestly, the only way of communication I can have with him is through Friendster. It does not actually matter that I communicate with him once again.

You know what I want?

I want his forgiveness. I want my own peace of mind, that after all the years that had gone by, he had somehow found in his heart to forgive my youth's ignorance, irresponsibility and stubbornness.

And I can't believe I can find that in an acceptance of a Friendster invite.

Point.

2007-04-24T17:31:00.000+08:00

I just did some conference with my senior year classmates and well...I realized that I miss them.

But I guess that's beside the point. I don't know, really, what I am doing with my life as of now.

Most of the time, during these days, I'm all by myself, watching TV, surfing the net, reading, and basically doing nothing.

Honestly, I miss high school. I feel like I want to reverse the time and get back to my senior life again, a phase in my life where I had certainly felt alive. It’s a phase where all I do is study, prepare and practice for competitions, be the slave that I am for my alma mater, but amidst all that, having fun and laughing my heart out.

But then, there's a part of me that well, did that thing, that cutting out all the communication I have with all of them. I get this nagging feeling that I want to leave a part of me that belongs to high school in a place where it's supposed to stay - - in the past. That seems irrational, in any way you might look at it, cause I can never do that.

Maybe that's the precise reason why up to now, I still haven't talked to my friends. In this part, I really mean friends, people who had been with you ever since you entered high school, who basically grew up and matured with you, who had been with you through your thick and thin.

I just feel like I'm in a point of my life where I'm too eager to get on to the next level, yet I'm still caged with the doodles of the past.

Mileage.

2007-04-18T21:53:00.000+08:00

Been to Barangay Ayala Alabang* once or twice. Whatever people say about it is true. There, you can find the most elegant house your eyes would see in this country. There, you would find the most expensive and latest cars of some brand. There, the people who walk on the street and who ride the jeepneys are workers, maids, people who do not own even a grain of soil there.

From my memory, I saw myself holding a sandok, serving those who had themselves sheltered by tattered pieces of clothes or cartons hanged by sticks. The children were thin, but they have these bulbous bellies. Their hair was brown from overexposure to the sun. Mothers tended crying children, hungry, asking for food. The air smelled of hopelessness, but the smiles on their faces were that of happiness, that even for some time, the arozcaldo that I was imparting would ease their starvation.

In malls, people are everywhere. Some would go to their favorite stalls, look for something, and then buy it. Some would fill their stomachs with food from fastfood chains, whereas others would sumptuously enjoy their dinner at a fancy restaurant. Others go to buy-one-take-one stalls of clothes, while others go to Lacoste. Some enjoy swapping stories over a cup of coffee at Starbucks, while some enjoy cracking jokes over a six-peso cone of ice cream.

Observations are all they are. Nothing more than that.

*Said to be the home of the rich and famous.

Juggles.

2007-04-16T22:55:00.000+08:00

Blogosphere, a place where anything goes.

Anyway, there are two things that have been juggling in my mind lately.

1. Blogger meet-ups. We've heard it all: Blog Parteeh, PBA '07 and lately, iBlog3. There actually is nothing wrong with having to meet people personally. Or whatever. I was just wondering why the mention of ladies (with the exception of Shari) is so rare. To those who have happened to attend these events, are there really not much ladies hanging around?

2. Rumormongers. Now, this is what we call unexpected. The first time that I've blogged, I did not expect that this thing I've gotten into also have its fair share of gossip-hungry people. I don't know but I've experienced this one. Oh, we all know that it has its good and bad. You just have to know how to handle it.
It actually got me ass-laughing whenever this blogger pm me and tells me the hoolaboos of her blogger life with...other bloggers. Yihaa!

But wait, there's more! I also did not expect that this world also bother with whatnots of a blogger's love life. *Smiles widely* Blame Yahoo! Messenger for this one. (BTW, got some rumors to share? Add me up: althea_kish. Haha).

It's senseless, I know. But I've been thinking about the first one up there a lot and haven't got answers still. The second one, however nonsense that may be, but it always, always, gets me smiling. People just never run out of things to say.

How about you? Are there things that have been juggling in your mind about the blogosphere lately?

Tears.

2007-04-14T19:17:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling like shit.

No, really. I spent an entire hour in the bathroom, just crying. My eyes were so red when I came out and I can't believe I still had some tears to cry even when I'm putting on some clothes.

It's really fucking annoying, these tears.

I know I've done it before, and now I'm thinking of doing it again. I've learned my lessons with all the hoolaboos of befores, but when you got to that point that you just can't let yourself feel like shit, you just gotta move on.

What the fuck am I talking about?

There was just this person who is very special for you and you treat him like he's the most important person in your life and it so happened that you're not even important to him. You don't feel your importance. It also happened that you're seeing that somebody had taken that place where you once belonged. You were his confidante before, his shoulder to cry on, you serve to him as what people call the 'best friend'.

And now you're not that person anymore.

And the more you see them, the more you're hurt, the more you feel worthless, the more you feel ike you don't matter.

It just doesn't matter anymore; what I feel, what I think, it doesn't matter.

I'm just feeling like shit but I'm gonna get over it. And when that time come, they may be gone in my life as well.

Prophecy.

2007-04-13T19:18:00.000+08:00

~~I find blogging boring at this point of my life~~ I find myself struggling to say something nowadays. Maybe that's the reason why I went, again, on another hibernation.

I was appointed to write a damn prophecy for our class. Holy crap. I should have said no, but saying so would make me look like a retard. It actually is an honor to be offered that one, to be chosen among all of your fifty-two other classmates.

So I've got two whole weeks to figure this one out.

I've got no idea what I should write about. I actually think it's crap. A really big crap. I'm not a fucking Madam Auring to start with.

And man, you gotta be realistic. Not all of us would succeed and reach that cloud nine or roll ourselves on lots of cash.

Anyway, any ideas on how I'm gonna write this one?

Humiliation.

2007-04-05T21:54:00.000+08:00

I would like to file an indefinite leave.

Why? Let's just say that's because I'm honoring Jesus' sacrifice for us.

No. Haha. Kidding. That's a fucking lame reason to file a leave.

The thing is, I had been having this feeling since last month. Maybe I should have followed instincts.

Actually, I really feel that there are some people who are following everything that I say, who are trying to put malice to everything I do.

Fact is, I was wrong to do just that.

I feel humiliated.

Brother.

2007-04-04T11:58:00.000+08:00

Being an ate to a stubborn, lazy hormone-driven 5'8" 'crush ng bayan' (DAW) is never easy.

We've got a year and a month age gap. He towers above me. Some people mistake him as my kuya. He treats me as his maid. I constantly nag him with his chores. He answers back to our mom. He's irrational, at times. He's a tease to his classmates. He breaks hearts. He's a member of our school's basketball team. He's loud. He drinks. He eats about twice my consumption. He's everything a fourteen-turning-fifteen guy should be.

At about an hour past midnight this morning, we were talking about his past girls. Yeah, I never expected that one. He was telling me stories about his girlfriends and those girls that he courted. I don't know why, but that was the first time he did that. No, he's not heartbroken or something. In fact, while we were talking, he was texting Ms. Student Council President, which, he claimed, had been his crush since he was a freshman (BTW, he's an incoming junior and Ms. President is an incoming senior). His hopes are high, and I'd say he got a chance. She's not a bad catch.

The closest thing I've got to a guy is my brother. I never contemplate about him, though he got his set of complexities. We've gotten in big fist fights before, but here we are, still going through naggings, courting stories, and occasional tears.

Awareness.

2007-04-02T11:25:00.000+08:00

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GMA7's campaign for the people's awareness and carefulness in voting this coming election has caught many eyes.

And one of them is mine.

This video is not the whole TV ad, but it shows parts of those two ads. The first one is about a schoolteacher who experiences poverty and the harshness of life. The other one is about the struggle of a lola to free her wrongly blamed apo.

The ideas, actually, are common. The situations are also those things that happen in real life. These ads are not really on and about showing the dreadful side of our country. It just catches our attention, that the vote of each one of us can make a difference.

I am not able to vote yet, but I hope that those who can would not waste the opportunity to make even a small difference.

In Between HS and College.

2007-03-31T19:19:00.000+08:00

I graduated yesterday.

The four years of hard work had finally paid off.

Well, now's not the time for reminiscing. I'd do that sometime later. I still have a hang over, I guess. I'm still not off the hook, you know.

What's ironic about our graduation yesterday was that, only a few tears fell. I don't know. I did not even cry myself. It seems as if the commencement exercises had just taken place for the heck of it. You know, just to get the diploma and all.

Maybe it's because of the fact that all of us have not gotten out of our ties with each other. The barkada's decisioner has lined up galas for all of us. Another set of barkada, I guess, would drop by the house almost everyday, making it as if my house is their home.

I guess the vacation would not be that boring at all. They've got so many planned (and most of the time, spontaneous) lakads.

BTW, I declare myself a certified kolehiyala! Lol.

I know, it's too early. Well, it seemed as if the essence of college is suddenly in the air.

I'd be taking up BA Communication Arts at UPLB in Laguna. I’d probably see Moses (Why do bloggers call him Moses instead of Kevin?) there since he'd also study there (So I heard.).

They've got so many requirements! I still have to have an x-ray and medical examination on my designated enrolment day. I have so many forms to fill out. Ang dami talaga!

Aside from that, I can't believe that I'm (Actually, batch 2006-2007) damn unfortunate to be subjected to the tuition fee increase!

*Sigh*

Soooo college.

Bliss and Blunt.

2007-03-29T20:49:00.001+08:00

The graduation is tomorrow.

And I'm not on my feet, jumping about it.

So I guess the excitement had worn off.

I don't know with other people out there, but I'm just plain emotionless about this occasion. I'm not really in bliss that I would be able to leave a phase of hell called high school or that I would at last, be able to experience a deeper segment of hell called college. I'm not exactly lonely that I would be going to leave my best buds behind and all that jazz.

I'm just plain not so jumpy excited about it.

I don't know, though, tomorrow. Maybe I'd cry a lot. I'm a crybaby.

On the other hand, I am extremely blessed these past few weeks (even months).

Anyway, I am to graduate as the fifth honorable mention of our batch, the last of the academic awards. While, in contrast, best bet is that I'm not even in the top ten of our batch (the ranking of the 200+ students from those four sections). Don't ask how it happened. Stupid standards. I just got so lucky that I was able to survive, not scrape free though.

From those two schools that I took the entrance examinations, I passed. The first one's UP, which, fortunately, I passed. Only the valedictorian and I passed UP.

The second one's PUP. Which, of course, I also passed. What got my head humongous with this one was that my interview's due on April 23 (I am not planning on showing up!), which means I got a score of 115-152 over 152. And I'm the only one who fortunately got that one in our batch.

Shit. The air is suffocating my readers.

Oh, I'm just so damn happy and lucky with all these things!

Impudence.

2007-03-25T15:04:00.000+08:00

"Alam mo ba yung tatay mo nag-asawa na ng iba?" ('Did you know that your father already married someone else?")

"Kung nakikita ka lang ngayon ng tatay mo..." ("If only your father could see you now...")

People from my hometown, Cavite, would repeatedly tell me those things, to which I would just reply with, of course, out of respect for them, a smile.

Now let's put a rolling eyes here. Once I'm out of their earshot, I would do just that. Plus some make-face, the package is complete.

Don't you just hate those people who would actually tell you those things? Especially if it so happened that when you were barely in your childhood, your father left to go to some place to work for your future and some hell fucked up then you found yourself fatherless. So to give you a future that you ought to have, your mother decided to leave the hell that constantly reminds her of the supposed life that she might have had.

Now, that did not make sense. But that's supposedly the summary of my tragic family life.

Yech, let's get back to the point. I just hate it that people at my hometown seems and needs to know everyone's business and always has the need to point it out even to the littlest of children. See the first line there? I couldn't remember when I'd first heard it, but I could recall that it was supposedly a joke imparted to me by an inconsiderate distant relative.

Now that's what we call disrespect. They could not even consider the fact that I was just a little child then and that line could have affected me negatively.

I am glad I was able to escape the foulmouthed people. But I come back there every summer, and then the next line up there would follow.

Imagine how I should respond with that. Should I beam with pride? Oh, they'd say I'm too boastful, then. Should I bow my head? They'd think I'm ashamed of my accomplishments.

So out of respect, even if they hadn't returned that thing that I should have had, I just smile.

Jealousy.

2007-03-23T16:29:00.000+08:00

I was asked by a question that actually shook my world. Not out of the blue, though, but out of annoyance. I guess he was just as annoyed as I was at that time.

The question? Nah. Better not put it here cause some people might get information that they're not supposed to know.

I believe every one of us is entitled to some secrets. This thing, though, is not as clandestine I have supposed I want it to be.

Jealousy. Yeah, that's what it is. Don't get me wrong though: I'm not in love, as you have supposed from my last post. This jealousy, I guess, is not bounded by love, but by attention.

Directly: I am jealous of somebody. With all the events that have happened, I should be sure as hell I should not feel this way and feel possessive of that friend of mine.

But you know what? I can't help it. Every person in this world, I guess, clings to some memories and used-to-bes of the past. It so happened that I'm one of those persons.

And it also happened that I've been used to it for years, that I was the one this friend of mine turns to when he has a problem. I was so used that all of his attention was mine and that I've felt I'm the most treasured friend. I was so used that he would go to me first before the others. It was the closeness, the bond, the trust. I am way missing that one.

Not that it's gone. But everything had changed. Now, I can see that somebody had already occupied that spot where I had been.

I feel bad. I am envious. But I do not dare tell them cause, you know, no one, not even him, could do anything about it. What we had was already a part of the past.

Funny thing is, I understand everything and could even give myself justification to all my questions. But I still can't help it. I know there would be no consolation to what's happening.

That's why I'd rather be alone than see them and turn green.

Promenade.

2007-03-22T10:59:00.000+08:00

Skirts fluttered everywhere. People were roaming the dance floor. But there she was, sitting, motionless still, gazes locked at only one person.

There are some who bothered to nudge her, asked her to dance, that is. Though she was feeling very, very heavy inside, she tried to be the good conversationalist that she is. As she and her partner sway with the music, she smiled, talked and laughed.

That was all but a mask. At times, she would just pat her partner on the shoulder, hoping that the message that she wants to be left alone would be understood.

And there, she would return to her previous state: staring blankly on some people on the dance floor...and then, looking for him.

She watched him laughed and enjoyed the dance with his multitude partners. Of course, she was not blind to see that he was enjoying the event. Who would dare not to? After all, it was their last.

She felt tears welling up in her eyes. She had never felt so miserable. She had never felt so alone.

But she did not let anything fall. It was, after all, an event to remember.

Unconsciously Flying.

2007-03-19T17:35:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, while I was off to some party with some friends, holding the two melting Red Ribbon cakes in the middle of the day, there came a crash -- thud! A woman was hit by a motorcycle.

I saw it all -- from how she was walking to cross the street, unaware of what would happen next, with a flowery umbrella at hand. Then this motorcycle from somewhere hit her, and hit her hard.

She flew, literally. I told you I saw it all. I was the only one who saw it among all of my companions. That's where I proved that what we see in television or movies is true -- when you got hit, you would literally fly.

She fell back flat on the cemented floor of the street. It seemed as if time had momentarily froze and no one could move in that crowded street. Passersby were only looking at her. No one dared to help her, until somebody shouted, "Tulungan niyo!" ("Help her!").

When somebody touched her and carried her, it was as if everyone had gone off to their businesses and went on with their lives. We continued walking and never dared talk about what had just happened.

I don't know what happened with the one who hit her. I don't know what happened with her, whether she had broken a bone or broke her back or something. I don't know if she was still able to walk herself home or pick up her flowery umbrella that was left lying motionlessly on the street.

All I know was that there was something screaming beside the cemented floor she was lied on when I last saw her: NO JAYWALKING

Endings.

2007-03-16T18:52:00.000+08:00

Two weeks to go. Fourteen days more and I'm gonna receive that diploma that all high school students out there were working their asses off for. I'm sure as hell I'm gonna miss high school and all the stuff that goes with it. But I have my memories

And no one can take that away from me.

One of the most memorable things for me this graduation is that our batch (06-07) has our own graduation song. Not the typical drawn-out-from-somewhere song, but a song that was composed by a batchmate especially for our graduation. It sort of made our batch unique cause we were the first one to have that in our school’s twenty five years of existence.

The lyrics are very simple, as well as the melody. But you know all the drama. It's not really a big deal, but give this one to us just this once. Haha.

I'm very, very afraid right now. The teachers and administrators are keeping us in suspense. Apparently, the students who would graduate with honors have not been ranked...yet.

Not that I'm boasting, but I'm one of the luckiest who got in the list (It's not easy to get in, you know. From first quarter up to the last, you have to have grades higher than 85 and keep it at that. A grade less than that, say, 84, would drop you out of the list.). There are nine of us who luckily survived the third quarter. But rumors say that two of us were dropped. We have a good catch of who the other one is. But the other? No damn idea.

Truth is, I'm hanging by a thread. I'm one of the lowest of the nine. There's a really big possibility that I'm one of those two.

If ever the judgment would come and I'm one of the unlucky ones, I would very, very ashamed. My mother sold her own celphone just to buy me a new one.

It would be such a shame if I would not be able to repay her sacrifice.

Exploitation.

2007-03-14T21:27:00.000+08:00

At birth, she had lost her father. He went to somewhere and did not even bother to show himself. Next was her mother. She was drowned in her own youth and capriciousness. Her grandmother took her in, nursed her, provided her needs.

Upon growing up, she tried to comprehend her situation. She had no parent by her side, only her grandmother and gay uncle. She sees her mother once in a while, but she wondered why she never took care of her, just like what her cousin's mother was doing.

No apparent reason, but at eight or nine, she had learned the art of theft. For some capriciousness, she stole a twenty, fifty, hundred, a few bucks more. She stole from her grandmother or uncle.

At that age, she had received all possible punishment: the whip of a belt; the slap of the hand; the whack of the broomstick; the burn on the finger cause by exposing her hand on fire or the hot and boiling water poured on her young skin; the baldness caused by those ridiculous scissors; the shame of walking out of their house, naked; and so on and so forth.

At ten, she had her first taste of leaving the family that she had known as home.

She had cried it all. They had been cruel in a way. She had been rebellious and hardheaded. There was no bottom line. But she was still young.

At eleven, it had been known that she inherited her mother's illness: rheumatic heart disease.

At twelve, more and more stealing, further arguments, rude and shouted retorts, tears cried, unnecessary runaways. She met people. Nevertheless, she learned different things, things that would lead to her exploitation.

At thirteen, she lost her virginity. She drank. She smoked. She had sex. She tried on drugs. And she would go home at unholy hours.

At fourteen, she went to three different schools and spent her sophomore year in high school jumping from one set of barkada to another. More people, more fun. More sprees, more sermons. There was no more physical hurting. It was of no use after all. The damage was already done.

At fifteen, she thought she had gotten herself pregnant. Good thing she was wrong. Or else, she would not know how to face additional problems.

At sixteen, the situation had gotten worse. They're all tired of the same cycle that happens over and over again. The sprees and flightiness, the sermons, the runaways...and the comebacks.

She knew that what she was doing were wrong. But she did not dare to correct those things. She was already damaged, too much damaged from her family that loved her in a way that no one understands, even she. She was already tired of what fate had given her.

Yet she lives. And life would still go on.

Some Magic and Awe.

2007-03-13T16:58:00.000+08:00

What are the synonyms of great? If you can think of something, those are the exact words that ought to describe this movie.

Pretty heavy statement, eh? I suggest you watch the movie...Then conclude on your own.

I was able to watch it this afternoon, with some friends no less. We just pulled it out of a video shop's stalls and brought it to the cashier.

I still am, as of now, speechless.

I recommend it to those who have a knack for mind-boggling movies. As for those who hate boring dialogues and love much of the action, I guess it would not fit you. But, whatever.

It's one of the best I've ever seen. See? I can't describe it vividly, nor are my reactions.

I, still, am stunned. I ought to watch it again cause I still have to clear myself of doubts and questions. What was written behind the CD case was true: You just have to repeat it again and watch it carefully.

I don't want to spill the plot here. It'll spoil everything. Nor do I suggest you find it on the net. Never ever do that.

But here are some useful reviews and links. I would just like to say something: Do not click these links. (How stupid of me! Haha!)

IMDB, Wikipedia, RottenTomatoes

Love 2 Laugh.

2007-03-11T12:56:00.000+08:00

Laughable antics of Aiai de las Alas and Ogie Alcasid made me laugh last night. Their concert had been great. I myself, even if I feel like the weight of the world had been on my shoulder, couldn't help but laugh.

It was a good escape.

The Harbour Square accommodated us. With a Starbucks' Frap on hand, I could not believe I was able to relate to my mom what is currently happening with me and that friend of mine. It was comforting. I had been looking for that person who would listen to me in an unbiased way and would somehow evade me from all the vagueness that I'm in.

I was certain, then, that I was okay and that I would know what I'd do tomorrow.

But, as expected, lunacy came into the scene.

Then, I'm a mess, again.

The more I think about it, the more I become lost. The more that I want to make a decision, the more I become uncertain.

You know what they say about girls, they're soooo unpredictable. Which, I can say, is true. What guys do not understand about girls (Well, at least, mostly, to me.) is that they're emotionally unstable when it comes to troubles about the people who matter to them.

So, there. I still am, as always, out of my league.

P for Pride.

2007-03-09T16:39:00.000+08:00

The bland taste of the canned Nescafe Mocha filled my taste buds. I desperately need something to clear my mind. I thought caffeine might do it.

But I was wrong. It couldn't. Or maybe, nothing could. I am, as always, a hopeless case, a lunatic that can never escape her insanity.

It just so happened that there are things that we would wish for, so hard that we would pray for it everyday. And it also happened that these wishes may come true right before your eyes, for just an hour of your life, when you had spent days, weeks, even months, for it to happen.

Just this morning, I went inside the church. I asked God to lead me in the right way, on where I should belong. I had done this since last month, praying every morning before I go to school.

And then, in a snap of your fingers, precisely when you do not expect it, things would just happen. And there I was, having the long-awaited confrontation.

It had been...

I don’t know. I could only sigh.

Truth is, it was great, it could have been great. I could have said yes right there and then. It was my entire fault after all. I should be the one who's sorry.

But then, of all the things I've known, I felt like we've just both been victims of fate, of presumptions, of life. Maraming namamatay sa maling akala.

I just...

I hope I could say something. I hope I could think of something.

Truth is, MJ, I don't want to let you go. I want everything back. I want the same thing that you have wanted to happen for so long.

But the greatest truth is: I'm stupid enough not to realize my own faults, let go of myself and...just be there.

I'm sorry for everything. And thank you, thank you so much. I just can't say it there, but I really, really want to say YES.

Promenade, anyone?

2007-03-08T09:03:00.000+08:00

The Junior-Senior Promenade. Ugh, the words bring back nasty memories.

I was never fond of this event. I do not detest I to the fullest, but you can never make me love it or get excited about it.

We received the letter regarding our Promenade, informing us the roundabout. And as I read it, I ended up groaning.

MICROMINI? Micromini in a Promenade? Who would dare wear something like that and make a fool out of herself? The plunging necklines or tubes are given, considering that we are in a catholic school. But putting the word micromini rang the bell. We were ass laughing about it, thinking that the administration might have gone mad. Didn't they even consider that every one of the girls have self-respect, enough not to make herself look like that?

Anyway, on with the Promenade. I was sort of thinking of not attending this function. It's hell boring, the food sucks, (And it really sucks. You would curse the admin if you would experience the sumptuous food that they served last year.) and the fun's not fully blasted.

But heck! It's a requirement. If I would not attend the Prom without a valid reason, I might as well not attend the graduation.

By the way, our Prom's on 21. A Prom on March?

Hit and Miss v.3.

2007-03-06T13:40:00.000+08:00

I wonder why I went on hiatus for five - FIVE - days.

What kind of hiatus was that?

Anyway, things are getting, ugh, a little blasted. I don't know. Yesterday and today's the Final Examinations. Ugh, there, the FINALS. It just sort of reminded me that it really was the last examination that I'm going to take in my entire high school life - my last chance to redeem whatever shits I can have to make myself proud on the commencement.

One thing I realized about taking your final exam is that: listen attentively to the directions. Katangahan took possession of me so I failed to answer twenty questions in the English examination! I thought we would not answer that one. Eh, kung hindi sasagutan, bakit pa yun nilagay dun? Katangahan talaga.

And if I still need to point this one out: Physics and Math suck big time. Only one hour is allotted to every exam, but we always answer these tests for about one hour and thirty minutes. It's damn hard and long and all that shitty stuff.

See this?

I really was - am still - infatuated of some sort to somebody. Thing is, I don't know him in person. Really. I knew him through the net.

I just hope I'd get over this one. It had been with me since August 2006 and admiration never left me since that ill-fated day. And for all the love of God, it's even becoming stronger.

Must. Not. Think. About. Him.

So pray for me. Haha.

Hit and Miss v.2

2007-03-01T12:24:00.000+08:00

The phone keeps on ringing. My mom is blundering me to get UP's phone number. So, there, I searched for it.

Minutes later, phone rang again.

Got in. Got my choice campus. Got my choice course.

Tea: Congrats, pare.

Yna: Oo nga, congrats talaga sa akin.

Tea: It was worth the wait and prayers.

Yna: Shit. May makikita akong pug dun!

Woi, just kidding! Pis tayo, man!

It's cramming week. I've been on and about completing my requirements so I could take my final examination, receive my diploma and get out of this hell called high school.

BTW, the cat's out in the bag. I actually am Yna and theWhore.

This week's been fun cause of some YM Conference hosted by our 'Loverboy', Arnel.

It contained some bloggers. Ow, what made it fun is that they're on and about with fights (real and made-up ones) which will get you ass laughing. A confession made my jaw drop (Woi, Kevin! Hello!). Questions thrown and debates aroused. You even have to make way for UP's Iskos, USTe, LaSalle, Baste (Did I say they're from state universities?). And there are also link exchanges online! Hehe.

Plugs: Arnel, Joe, Kevin, Rens, Jhed, Vinch, Rob, Gerome

Message for all of you, guys: Wala na ba kayong mahanap na ibang babae?!

A Demure Imploration.

2007-02-27T16:42:00.000+08:00

I don't want to do some drama here…but I guess I can't help but implore it to you, unfortunate passerby [or frequenter, AS IF there's any!] cause this is just my shit.

I feel so...wrecked.

And plain lucky.

Okay, so those are two different things at once.

I happen to feel so alone at this point of my life. Graduation's around the corner and it had never failed to make itself felt ever since we changed our calendar. I am SUPPOSED to have fun, right? With the ending coming near and separation plastered in about every corner of my campus.

But, yech, how could you even have fun when you don't even have the people to have fun with?

Sure, I have had friends, genuine friends through thick and thin. It just so happened that stupid emotions got on the way and so, there, it's...gone.

And now, since I can see that all of them are getting along fine and I'm the only one who acts like the lost sheep, I guess I just have to mingle with the pack of wolves. Good thing I found out that the pack of wolves do not eat sheep wholly.

I still smile and laugh. Gawd, they're not even my life. Okay, there's a correction: they were a part of my life.

But you just can't help but miss the old crowd once in a while.

Respect for Gays.

2007-02-24T14:32:00.000+08:00

I had fun watching Eat Bulaga!'s 'Super Sireyna'. Quite entertaining, really.

History says that homosexuality/bisexuality (I cannot distinguish one from the other, really) was already recognized since the golden age of Greece and the height of the empire of Rome. Same-sex marriage is already recognized in some places. But, man, that's the West. It just so happened that we're in the South East Asia and is currently renowned as the haven of Catholicism in Asia.

But you know what, I just realized, apart from the firm stand of the Church with homosexuality/bisexuality, our country's more open for this kind of sexuality at these times.

Anyway, truth is, it still is not readily acceptable in our country and homo's/bi's are still discriminated by some. Sometimes, it's just fair to screw Catholicism for hoeing our brain with some specifications and restrictions as to understanding others' sexuality.

Anyway, we're in the generation where as if everything is absorbed like sponge. Fresher ideas, new things, hip morale. There are pros and cons, of course. But I'd say the Conservativos are outnumbered. Gays are now recognized and respected.

I ought to say that gays deserved to be respected as to what they are. Having a gay 'tito' and living with one opened my eyes that being gay is not all about helluva bodies of nude men or some back fucking. They work, they live, they love, they get hurt. We're made of the same bits and pieces so they're as much human as we are.

Questioning the Gods...And Politicians.

2007-02-21T16:59:00.000+08:00

The whole class has only one craze as of now: mythology.

It's our lesson in English, and probably our last before the final examination.

Yet today, somebody was reporting the Titans' and Olympus' gods family tree. Know what? It sucks. There were a lot of incest and all.

But that's what makes the mythology great and addicting. Mortals and gods alike are soooo comical; I can't help but laugh my ass off at their stupidity (which is displayed in about every story that you read). But on the other hand, the heroes were great, but some are chauvinist pigs.

Okay, back to the reporter. He was obviously having a hard time speaking and explaining fluently in English. And with that ridiculous and confusing family tree, it became a lot harder.

Then somebody threw in a question: If the Titans are more powerful than the gods, how come the gods overcame the Titans?

That question actually made my eyes roll. My god, can't the person see that the reporter's already having a good time embarrassing himself and then she would throw that question? Besides, I think it was too illogical and irrelevant.

Okay, I came to the rescue. Here's my point: Why would you dare ask why the poets of the mythology chose to write the Titans' and gods' story on that way? And why would you ask him when he obviously couldn't answer that question and that only the writers/creators of those characters/stories can answer that one?

Talk about consideration and logic.

Understatement of the year: Election's coming so campaigns are hot.

My opinion: The politicians are making an ass out of themselves.

We had a fairly good laugh as my ever papansin classmates made fun of politicians' commercials. Hey, it's really quite annoying, right? I mean, those TV ads? Their faces are plastered in about every commercial break.

"Pangarap kong tuparin ang pangarap mo."

"Tol! Tol!"

"Kay M**** V***** na. Mr. Sipat at Tiyaga..."

"Sa libreng pre-school..."

Every one of them is spending millions for a barely twenty-second campaigns ad. Who the heck are they kidding?

*Correct those lines if I'm wrong. My memory doesn't serve me right.

Hit and Miss v.1.

2007-02-20T21:45:00.002+08:00

We're supposed to have our picture taking with us wearing the 'toga' today but our section begged off. Imagine having your graduation picture at two o'clock in the afternoon, you'd gonna be as good as dead by then.

It is scorching hot this afternoon! Summer's along the way. Grrr.

The calendar's filled up for us seniors. The Finals is on March 1 and 2. The Junior-Senior Promenade on March 24 and the Graduation on March 30.

Honestly, the schedule sucks.

Imagine taking your finals at the start of the month and having your graduation at the end of the month? What are you gonna do then on the long time interval? Tumunganga?

Yeah, of course the practices are there to fill up the weeks. There's the prom practice, which takes us about a week just to practice the walking with your partner down that stairs. Then, there's the graduation practice that would take time just about the same with the prom. Two weeks down.

But looking at the schedule, it's ridiculous! They could have at least scheduled the graduation a little early and the promenade on February. Aren't proms supposed to take place around February?

Losing a friendship takes about the bat of an eye. But building one requires you to have your eyes open and never even close it for a second.

Die Young.

2007-02-18T21:52:00.000+08:00

I have a gut feeling that I'm gonna die...young.

Why? Oh, several reasons.

1. I'm always stressed. Why the hell not? I'm harassed to death by my administrators and so much school works. Plus, graduation's round the corner. The pressure to have even one sabit is mounting.

2. Several incurable diseases run in my bloodline. My lolo has diabetes. His mother died because of that. All of my grandmothers have high blood pressure pestering them. My tito died because of cancer. Ah, more?

3. I'm, ugh, 160 lbs. It's pretty fair to say I.m gonna acquire one of those diseases...soon. Buhoo!

4. I don't have the same old barkada anymore. Well, they keep my feet on the ground. They're my breathing space. They make me laugh. They're almost everything that makes my heart hearty. Need I say more?

5. I'm always exposed to the whatever-something-that-might-kill-you rays of the computer. I'm always in front of the pc. Another breather. Can't live without it.

6. I have some lumps that my mom is not aware of. No, they're not malignant. I think.

7. I always lack sleep. I deprive myself of sleep. I'm such a loony.

8. I'm accident-prone. I remember being almost hit by vehicles about more than thrice now. I've been slipping on the bathroom floor and been going down the stairs butt-first lately.

9. No happy endings for me. No. Nothing. Nada. Zip. So, I still have to search for my own life's meaning till death take me away.

Yech. Pretty pessimistic. Hey! I'm only speculating. Haven't you even thought when and how you're gonna die? And die young?

Of Promising and Leaving.

2007-02-16T18:39:00.001+08:00

Once, I told somebody:

"I'll never leave you."

A week later, I ditched him.

Also, once, I asked somebody:

"Wag mo akong iiwan." ("Don't leave me.")

I left her.

Last night, somebody asked me:

"Can you understand me?"

What did I answer?

I did not answer the question. I chose not to.

You're asking why?

We all know our strengths and weaknesses. And I know mine. That's why I did not answer that question.

Because I'm afraid. I'm afraid I might hurt him. I'm afraid to make a promise I might break. I'm scared because I know that not all the time, I would be able to be there to listen to him and understand him.

I know he trusts me the way he trusted others before me. But you know what? I'm afraid I'd screw things up. I have a way of hurting everyone who trusted me and loved me in a way that I do not understand.

I'm protecting him from me.

Was I right?

Know Hell?

2007-02-15T21:19:00.000+08:00

How's everybody?

BTW, I'm a wreak.

Been pretty stressed out lately. And busy, too. It was last Saturday since I last posted, even bloghopped. And I haven't gotten time since.

It's the Foundation Week. And it's a HELL WEEK. I mean it. All hell broke loose this week.

I've been pretty much busy, with the Foundation dance (which serves as our pre-finals and finals examination in MAPEH) and the Battle of the Bands (BODB). Yours truly is the head organizer of the BODB, so really, administrators (teachers, students, EVERYONE!) is bugging me with this hellshit project. And aside from keeping up with the administrators' demands, I have to practice myself out to keep up the dance steps.

In short, I'm dead. Really dead.

On with the results. They're more fantastic.

Anyway, with the dance, we blew it. Okay, rephrase, our costume's tailor blew it. She did not finish even half of our costume. It was bullshit, really. Considering that she promised she could do it. We even asked her for like, gazillion times if she could. And hell, she promised.

And you know what? We found out she's not doing anything. And we paid her fully, no balances. Bullshit, really. I want to strangle her.

So, it was really embarrassing for our section. Other sections (which happen to be our co-competitors) even booed us, seeing that we do not have anything decent to wear on our dance, aside from the skin toned leotards that we have to wear underneath the costume.

And we danced, just like that. Even if all the beads (part of our costume) got tangled up, even if our bras (girl's part) can be seen clearly through the leotards, even if it was embarrassing as hell, we danced.

And to add another preposterous event, the BODB sucked. Things went out of hand, more so, with the emotions. Organizers got frenzy, one of the hosts walked out and cried, another host almost left his post for a ball game, I snapped on somebody and she got really, really mad.

Bull, I really feel guilty. I mean, I shouldn't have snapped at her. She was helping me. But I was frantic; my emotions went out of control. You see, that's what happens when you cannot control anything anymore.

Got no friends anymore. It's either I left them or they left me. I think it's both.

I'm really dead.

Soooo High School.

2007-02-10T19:42:00.000+08:00

If looks could kill, I'm probably dead by now.

I want to get out of high school. I want to walk that march, take my diploma, and shout to the world that I've gotten out of high school.

A new environment, I daresay. I want to study in UPLB in Laguna. The place, I think, is perfect. It does not even look like a campus (Well, considering the buildings). It looks like a park. Anyway, I really just want to go there.

I feel like I am too confined in my current campus. I want to get out of there, search for new things, learn new knowledge and meet other people.

Yeah, I know what most people say: college is toxic. Whatever. Still, sooner or later, I'd get to that point. But right now, I just want for school to finish and for me to start a new life out of San Roque Catholic School.

Anyway, two months to go, my last two months in high school. Foundation's next week, Finals on the first week of March, JS soon and then, GRADUATION!

I'd probably just have to enjoy the last two months. What have I got to lose if I won't, right?

A Little Blogging History.

2007-02-08T18:51:00.000+08:00

I started blogging last July. That's not the first time I've thought of blogging. I think, it was around March 2006 that I learned that there's such thing as blogging. But then, it was so complicated, especially the layout codes, that I decided to give it a break. I remembered then, that I spent, I think, three whole nights (until 6 am) to learn the basics.

I gave up. I thought I would never understand things. I decided to make one, but no one comes and comments on it. There's this whole lot of link exchange, visiting other blogs, whatever. You know the whole package.

Anyway, I learned it. There would always be this informal learning in the Internet. In fact, this is my third blog. I've kept my two other blogs within Blogger, and am not planning on moving to another weblog host.

The other two, why did I leave it?

Let's see. The first one, I left it because I want to start anew. There had been Tagalog posts there, and I wanted to improve my English and write in that language. So, goodbye then, SukobNa.

The next one, I guess, I could fairly say, would be my most memorable blog ever. That was the blog that I got too personal with. It housed 43 posts, a little less than SukobNa's 52. That blog, I think, received most of my emotional baggage. I decided to leave it to escape a whole lot of people, including some people that I know personally.

One thing I learned with the blogs that I've kept before: there are just some things that you cannot tell everyone. Blogging is offering a part of you to the world.

And you know what? Somehow, because of the too honest posts that I've had before, blogging ruined a part of my life.

Nyaha.

Power Hunger.

2007-02-03T20:46:00.000+08:00

Politics is in the air. And it's only three months away from the election.

I can't believe how power hungry politicians are. In a way, I don't know what's with power that they cannot seem to contain themselves. To tell the truth, I'm pretty sure not all of them have the sincerest intention of serving the public and making the Philippines a better country.

I experienced politics firsthand. And for me, there's nothing good about it. I hate it. It only contains broken promises, greed, responsibilities, ridicule from the community you serve.

What is with politics that politicians can't seem to get it off their system?

Right now, there is a singing contest going on on our covered court. It was organized by our mayor to promote his wife's candidacy on the upcoming elections (Know Fresnedi?).

Political dynasty.

Yech. You probably recognize the most famous: the Marcoses, the Cayetanos, even the Arroyos, etc.

Ever asked why even families keep power on the line?

Yeah, power is addicting. But you know, having too much is bad.

PNR and Railway Stories.

2007-01-30T21:03:00.000+08:00

If you're always glued on the tube, you probably heard about some guy (or whoever) who was crashed (And had his head cut off and his brain out of his skull) by the train of the PNR (Philippine National Railway).

And me? I'm so damn stupid for not even seeing it and not even hearing it, until it was around ten o'clock in the morning.

What's the big deal anyway?

Yeah. I am a sucker of rumors, even badly made ones. And this one? Well, I happen to pass by the railway in Alabang almost everyday, when I come to school.

And well, we happened to pass by the place (And I mean, almost exact place. It was only a few meters away from the dead body.) while riding a tricycle. How dumb of me not to notice the poor man's body but I noticed the whole lot of people in the place (And I did not even bother to ask why. I'm out of myself this morning.). My brother saw it. And it's darn yucky, according to him.

It's not that it's important for me to see it. I would just want to.

A classmate of mine lives beside the railway. Incidentally, we went to his house today to have ourselves measured (Don't ask.).

And rode the trolley.

Not my first time, though. But all I can say is, it would always be a weird experience for me to ride trolleys. It's as if I am in a gallery of Life Beside the Railway' whenever I'm on it. Everything you see, I don't know.

People live in these kinds of houses. People live life like this (You probably know what I mean.). Some people act rudely (A half-naked guy jumped on our trolley and sang and danced: "Happy...Shalala...It's so nice to be happy..."). Somewhat, it's a pity.

Sometimes, it's not.

Another Beginning.

2007-01-29T20:23:00.000+08:00

Welcome.

I am Tea. To tell the truth, that's not my real name. But it is a part of my name.

Anyway, I have already made two different blogs before ending up here. I'd rather not name them. But if you're really a keen observer and you've known me before, I guess you'd know who I am.

Have you ever wished that sometimes, you did not come to know things?

Right now, I am wishing of that.

And somehow, it's a never-ending debate.

"What you don't know won't hurt you."

I sincerely believe in that. It's true, that when you do not know of some things, you are kept from the cruelty of what that thing may be. You retain your innocence, and you continue with your life.

That's why I envy children with their carelessness. They don't know yet what the real world really is, so they laugh, smile or cry upon 'simple' things. The world, for them, is so simple. They don't really have to think about their future, budget their money and time, worry about tomorrow's happenings, or torture themselves about unstable relationships with people.

In that way, they are kept from the pain this world may inflict them. But as they grow up, we grow up, we become different, so much different from what we really are before.

With this step, I think I have grown up quite a little. I left things there, and maybe, I would start anew now.

I don't know what awaits me here. But then, this is gonna be my little world for sometime.